So the very first visit we had with Evelio went GREAT! He was in a very happy mood the entire time! We got to the school right at 5pm. Our family therapy sessions are every other Friday from 5pm-6pm. The first therapy session, we just basically talked about goals and what types of things we would be doing once he adjusted well. I got to read through all the charting that has been done on him since he was admitted. I was sad to see so many documentation notes on aggressive and violent behavior outbursts, but happy to see that the behavior wasn't major.
When his aide brought him out of his unit and I saw him, I immediately felt the urge to cry. He looked at me and gave me a hug. Really, it seemed like he was shocked to see me. He moved very slowly. He gave me lots of kisses and held tight to my hand. He also gave Robert lots of hugs and kisses.
We walked around the courtyard of the facility while I talked with the therapist. After an hour of that, we had him all to ourselves. It was rainy outside but not very cold so for most of the visit we stayed outside. We took him to the basketball courts and Robert tried to teach him how to dribble the ball, but he wasn't interested. He just wanted to run and kick up water.
It started to drizzle a little more heavily so we took him into the cafeteria where a few other families were visiting their children. He played Angry Birds on Robert's phone for a little bit. He started signing that he was thirsty, so Robert got him a cup with juice. I was so proud to watch him drink the entire cup with out spilling a drop. (At home he was still drinking from a sippy cup).
Then, there was another little boy, who was higher functioning than Evelio, who was playing with a small remote control truck. Evelio started chasing it around the cafeteria. When the other little boy would stop the truck, Evelio would pick it up and throw it. We scolded him for it, but the other little boy was so nice and said, "No, it's okay. He just wants to play." He tried to keep it zooming around for Evelio's entertainment. He even tried to give the control to Evelio and teach him how to use it. But, Evelio just wanted to chase it. It was so nice to see him interacting with that other little boy. I wish I would have gotten a video of them.
The visit's end came way too soon for me :(. We walked Evelio back to his unit where they were popping some popcorn and about to settle the kids down for a movie. Evelio was fine until I tried to let go of his hand. He pulled my hand closer to his body and tried to pull me into the "living room" of his unit. I told him I had to go and pulled him into a hug and gave him a big kiss. When his aide took his hand he started crying and stomping his feet. At that point, I had started to cry so Robert put his arm around me and led me to the car.
All in all, it was a fantastic visit and I can't wait until the next one!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
How to Deal
As of today, my Evelio has been gone for a week and 4 days. It seems impossible because it feels as if he has been gone for months.
How am I dealing?? . . . it depends.
When I am away from home, I am better, (usually). I laugh easier. I'm pretty sure it's because I can subconsciously pretend that he's with a sitter and I'll be seeing him when I get home. When I'm at work, I feel almost normal. I'm used to not seeing Evelio at all on weekends. However, this past weekend I did breakdown at work a little. My little man had called me and I just lost it momentarily.
Now, at home, it's a whole different story. I wake up in the morning, alone. I decide to get out of bed, usually around noon because I just can't stand laying there anymore. I walk into my living room. . . . complete silence. I eat a piece of toast. . . I have no one to cook for. I generally spend all day doing absolutely nothing. . . . alone. Last week was so brutal that I found myself excited that Saturday was arriving so that I could go to work. I don't cry all day. But, I'm not in a happy mood. It is torture to not hear "eeeeeee lalalala dai-yah eeeee" in the background all day. And to not hear the stomping of feet as Evelio runs down the hall. The silence is so unnatural and unnerving to me. I hate it.
One night last week I went into Evelio's room, got into his bed, covered up with his Spiderman blanket, and snuggled with his favorite talking frog toy. And I cried. . . .and cried. . . .and cried for hours. I don't even know how long I was in there. I just cried. Then, I took his blanket and frog and laid on my couch in the living room and fell asleep.
I don't know how to deal with my son living somewhere else. I just tell myself every minute of everyday that I am giving him the best I could possibly give him. I try to stay focused on his future and what it could become after this program he is in is complete. But, honestly, that does not give me direction as to how to cope with his absence. I know with all my heart that this is what he needs for him, but for me? I feel as if I am being forced to smile when people ask me how I am. Like I HAVE to be okay because I'm doing the right thing. Somehow the idea of making the right decision is supposed to automatically ensure that I will be fine all the time.
Well. . .I'm not fine all the time, but I try to be. Or, rather, I try to make people think that I'm fine all the time. Because hearing someone reassure me does nothing to heal my pain. It does nothing to help the hurt that my heart feels. When someone wraps their arm around me, I feel even more weak and often cry harder. I just want to be okay. I just want to fast forward through this year and have my baby back home with me. . . . . . . . . .
How am I dealing?? . . . it depends.
When I am away from home, I am better, (usually). I laugh easier. I'm pretty sure it's because I can subconsciously pretend that he's with a sitter and I'll be seeing him when I get home. When I'm at work, I feel almost normal. I'm used to not seeing Evelio at all on weekends. However, this past weekend I did breakdown at work a little. My little man had called me and I just lost it momentarily.
Now, at home, it's a whole different story. I wake up in the morning, alone. I decide to get out of bed, usually around noon because I just can't stand laying there anymore. I walk into my living room. . . . complete silence. I eat a piece of toast. . . I have no one to cook for. I generally spend all day doing absolutely nothing. . . . alone. Last week was so brutal that I found myself excited that Saturday was arriving so that I could go to work. I don't cry all day. But, I'm not in a happy mood. It is torture to not hear "eeeeeee lalalala dai-yah eeeee" in the background all day. And to not hear the stomping of feet as Evelio runs down the hall. The silence is so unnatural and unnerving to me. I hate it.
One night last week I went into Evelio's room, got into his bed, covered up with his Spiderman blanket, and snuggled with his favorite talking frog toy. And I cried. . . .and cried. . . .and cried for hours. I don't even know how long I was in there. I just cried. Then, I took his blanket and frog and laid on my couch in the living room and fell asleep.
I don't know how to deal with my son living somewhere else. I just tell myself every minute of everyday that I am giving him the best I could possibly give him. I try to stay focused on his future and what it could become after this program he is in is complete. But, honestly, that does not give me direction as to how to cope with his absence. I know with all my heart that this is what he needs for him, but for me? I feel as if I am being forced to smile when people ask me how I am. Like I HAVE to be okay because I'm doing the right thing. Somehow the idea of making the right decision is supposed to automatically ensure that I will be fine all the time.
Well. . .I'm not fine all the time, but I try to be. Or, rather, I try to make people think that I'm fine all the time. Because hearing someone reassure me does nothing to heal my pain. It does nothing to help the hurt that my heart feels. When someone wraps their arm around me, I feel even more weak and often cry harder. I just want to be okay. I just want to fast forward through this year and have my baby back home with me. . . . . . . . . .
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