How to Deal

As of today, my Evelio has been gone for a week and 4 days. It seems impossible because it feels as if he has been gone for months.

How am I dealing?? . . . it depends.

When I am away from home, I am better, (usually). I laugh easier. I'm pretty sure it's because I can subconsciously pretend that he's with a sitter and I'll be seeing him when I get home. When I'm at work, I feel almost normal. I'm used to not seeing Evelio at all on weekends. However, this past weekend I did breakdown at work a little. My little man had called me and I just lost it momentarily.

Now, at home, it's a whole different story. I wake up in the morning, alone. I decide to get out of bed, usually around noon because I just can't stand laying there anymore. I walk into my living room. . . . complete silence. I eat a piece of toast. . . I have no one to cook for. I generally spend all day doing absolutely nothing. . . . alone. Last week was so brutal that I found myself excited that Saturday was arriving so that I could go to work. I don't cry all day. But, I'm not in a happy mood. It is torture to not hear "eeeeeee lalalala dai-yah eeeee" in the background all day. And to not hear the stomping of feet as Evelio runs down the hall. The silence is so unnatural and unnerving to me. I hate it.

One night last week I went into Evelio's room, got into his bed, covered up with his Spiderman blanket, and snuggled with his favorite talking frog toy. And I cried. . . .and cried. . . .and cried for hours. I don't even know how long I was in there. I just cried. Then, I took his blanket and frog and laid on my couch in the living room and fell asleep.

I don't know how to deal with my son living somewhere else. I just tell myself every minute of everyday that I am giving him the best I could possibly give him. I try to stay focused on his future and what it could become after this program he is in is complete. But, honestly, that does not give me direction as to how to cope with his absence. I know with all my heart that this is what he needs for him, but for me? I feel as if I am being forced to smile when people ask me how I am. Like I HAVE to be okay because I'm doing the right thing. Somehow the idea of making the right decision is supposed to automatically ensure that I will be fine all the time.

Well. . .I'm not fine all the time, but I try to be. Or, rather, I try to make people think that I'm fine all the time. Because hearing someone reassure me does nothing to heal my pain. It does nothing to help the hurt that my heart feels. When someone wraps their arm around me, I feel even more weak and often cry harder. I just want to be okay. I just want to fast forward through this year and have my baby back home with me. . . . . . . . . .