Do You Believe in Magic?

I have been seeing a lot of graphics and such with the words, "If I could snap my fingers and be non-Autistic, I wouldn't. Autism is a part of me." There are variations to make the saying fit "my son/daughter, sister/brother and so on.

If I could snap my fingers? . . .

I realize there is a lot of controversy associated with this question. There are many people with Autistic family members and Autistic people themselves who are offended at the thought of taking away their Autism. They view their Autism as an integral part of who they are, and without it, they have lost a part of themselves, sons/daughters, etc.

However, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't take away my son's Autism if I the choice was possible. Or at least change the severity of his Autism.

What I try to explain to people when I speak about this subject is that if Autism doesn't just affect Evelio's personality. It's not like he's just anti-social, or has weird tics that are harmless. If it were only that, I believe I could cope just fine with it and I would more than likely view these effects as unique personality traits. And there are some things as a result of his Autism that are personality traits about him that I love and would prefer not to change. Some of these are:

• When he bursts out laughing for no visible reason. Just because he views an ordinary thing as hilarious, or maybe he's picturing something in his mind that is insanely funny that he just can't keep his giggles in. His laugh is certainly infectious and I often find myself laughing like a maniac with him. I wish that I could see what he is seeing.
• When he is in a lovey-dovey mood and wants nothing more than to cuddly with me and sing "ay-ya-eee" over and over, or put my hand on his leg and pat it to let me know he wants to be patted, or tells me "tee-tah" in a soft quiet voice because he wants to be tickled. When he's in these moods, he doesn't care who's around or where we are, he just wants love and he is determined to get it. He will kiss me over and over and hug me tight.
• When he's running back and forth in front of our TV and flapping his hands and making all kinds of crazy, random noises. He is just so very happy and it makes me so happy that I actually tear up at how he has no idea that he is different and is just a happy-go-lucky kid.

But, there are things that I would take away in a heartbeat if I could. Sometimes, I just wish so hard that I could take away all the things that give him so many problems and the things that ensure that he will never have an independent life. Things like:

• Not being able to communicate in the way that he needs to. I am not talking about verbally communicating. I would LOVE for him to start talking, however I have come to terms with the fact that he might never. I just wish that he had some way that he could express himself so that he wouldn't have such a hard time.
• Getting so frustrated that he cannot communicate effectively that he is sent into a meltdown. It gets so severe that, honestly, when I look into his eyes, he doesn't even look like himself. It seems as though he's lost control and some inner, powerful rage, has taken control over him and he is somewhere trapped in the back of his own mind, helpless.
• Simple things, such as the vacuum, or a flickering light, that send him into a frightened meltdown. Whenever this happens, it usually turns into a four to five hour session of screaming, crying, and self-harm consisting of slapping, scratching, and banging his head on the closest object to him. Sometimes it involves throwing things and trying to break things and tossing chairs over.
• The fact that he is SEVERELY developmentally delayed. He is five years old and his mind is like that of a 9 month old to a 18 month old. He is in a class with three other children with some type of disability and his teacher has told me that the other kids try to help him. This gives me the impression that he is even behind them developmentally and they are in first grade. This is a big issue that hinders his future and is EXTREMELY depressing for me.
• His anti-social tendencies scare other children and he is likely never going to have friends. He is happy with being loving with me, Robert, my sister, and a select few ADULTS; however he is NOT at all interested in being friends with kids his own age, or any kids in general. He usually tolerates other children, but they do become his "punching bags" when he is frustrated. It hurts me to know that he will likely never feel the bond between friends, and also makes me worry about the relationship between him and Robert's kids and if I ever have anymore children.

To me, his Autism is NOT just a part of his personality. His Autism completely hinders his current quality of life as well as seriously narrows the possibilities that will be available to him in the future. I constantly worry about what will happen in the future, hope for amazing progress that will allow him to possibly obtain a job through the workforce, and get sick to my stomach when I think about what will happen to him when I'm gone and he no longer has a care-taker.

These are issues that I would not have to worry about so much if he were not so severely affected by this damned Autism. I would definitely be lying if I said I didn't HATE it. It comes down to the quality of Evelio's life, and right now while he is blissfully ignorant of just how different he is, life is good in his opinion I am sure. But, I dread the day that he realizes that he can't do things that other kids and young adults will be able to do. It's not that I mind if he lives with me forever; I will ALWAYS be there for him and take care of him while I am alive even if he wasn't so severely affected by Autism. It's the fact that he will have such limited opportunities that my heart breaks for him. I had so many plans for his future when I was pregnant after I got over the shock of being pregnant at 16. I had big dreams for him and what he would become. I still dream that he will be a great adult, however that dream has changed. I fully intend to help him in any way necessary to ensure that he becomes as successful an adult as he can be.

I love my son just the way he is, however, if I could snap my fingers and make the Autism disappear, or even reduce the severity of his Autism, would I do it? . . .

I'd have to say. . .

HELL YES!